This is a hard one and especially not easy to do it takes time to focus and re adjust yourself to create the energies to embrace you to help you move forward.
I have a sister who has changed dramatically - she used to be the one I looked up to for guidance when mum was going through an episode but now I am struggling to even call her my sister - I know this is not a very pagan thing and I must not judge - but I feel through life we have paths mapped out for us but it is up to us to actually decide to take them, we can break cycles we don't have to be caught up in the same path as everyone else.
It all started with my mum really she was difficult to live with and this obviously affected us all - three of us in fact. My sister, me and my brother. My brother has blocked a lot out and thinks mum used to go to pottery classes rather than the secure unit - as every time she came back she had some sort of art work early experiments with art therapy.
I have my own issues and for years perceived love as a physical thing rather than emotional and my emotions left open - suffered with self harming and also a manic depressive when I go low I get really low and then when I am happy I am contented. I must admit my pagan path is helping me to overcome this and I have felt the best I ever have with in the last year things have clicked in place, I also suffer panic attacks and low self esteem and think that I am being judged for being who I am. I have now developed the positive energies to work for me and feel that I am no longer being drained from them and can work them for my own spiritual path.
My brother is quite a solitary person who would quite happily live in one room and not go out unless he needed something not very socialised and suffers depression but doesn't really recognised the signs.
My sister hit rock bottom when my mum left us when I was 15 years old so my sister was three years older and quickly left home so she could escape I suppose. She was going to be a nurse and join the nurses 2000 program and go to uni she worked hard in her a levels and did quite well - but she chose the wrong path and that was that. She dabbled with drugs like most teenagers but her dabbling soon started to overcome her and she couldn't escape from it. She ended up on heroin and with the drugs pumping through her to null the pain she felt the buzz gave her a sense of being alive, being in control of her life she could empower her highs and lows and change them. However this became an addiction wanting the next buzz to then try and block everything out by being high all the time. She never made it on to the uni course got pregnant and ended up in a right mess - tried cold turkey but couldn't cope with how she felt as a person. She had another child and battled addiction soon after she moved in with me and spent most of my money, my relationship at the time ended due to it as I didn't want to be stuck and trapped she opened up my eyes to move away from it to take control of my own path. I was their for her emotionally and listened and tried to understand and help. Her boyfriend at the time tried to commit suicide in our bathroom and the reality of her being in my life was difficult to deal with scared she would overdose or hurt her children. I was living in fear and shock of what she was becoming rapidly changing I just wanted that controlled figure the person I looked up to be there for me rather than looking after her like the way I looked after my mum it was happening all over again I couldn't deal with it but did for my sisters children sake. She soon after left her two children and lived rough on the streets stealing to fuel her addiction. Her children were taken into care my mum did look after them for a bit but that bought back my mums own destruction with metal illness. The circle became full circle with her and she couldn't deal with it either. My sister was in an abusive relationship and managed to get to a hostel safe and off the drugs but not long after she became mixed up with another fella and the drugs returned. She got kicked out of the shelter for bringing drugs into it.
She always used to say she hated our mum and the childhood she had so why not break the cycle and be the best you can not let the drugs and depression overcome you??
My sister had another child so three in total and each of those poor children have their own issues with attention deficit disorder and learning difficulties due to the drugs she was on while she was pregnant - I mean OK she wants to self destruct but why drag everybody else into it too? The fella she is with now is always in and out of nick, dealing drugs, stealing and abusive. We gave her so many chances and opportunities to come out of the life she is in - we have been so supportive helped when needed rallied round, been by her side when she was black and blue through violence. But she chose to go back every time and now she says she doesn't feel apart of the family anymore and that she has no-one. My father I am surprised hasn't had a heart attack of the pressure he has had to deal with with her and my mum I am surprised he is still in control of things.
We tried our best to help what more can we do? Sometimes things are out of control if she is not willing to help herself then there is nothing we can do, apart from pick up the pieces each time. She has drained us so much over the years financially and more upset tingly emotionally.
She is not my sister she died years ago this is just a ghost that haunts me, a former image of a person I loved and I am mourning her everyday.
The energies around me lift me to a state of karma - what goes around comes around - you are what you are - you reap what you sow.
The path I choose was a way out to move me to state of positive energy to lift me higher above everything so I can then see clearly what is beneath me all mapped out for what it is - put things into perspective to organise myself to deal with the negative by removing myself from the equation and developing a coping mechanism to deal with it.
The earth grounds me to my roots and helps me learn from the mistakes of my family the circle that engulfs us all the circle that can be hard to break.
The air helps me float above myself and see things for what they are without my heart clouding my judgement lifting me to a higher level to evaluate and float back down when done cleansing.
The water calms me in a stream of flowing energy moving me onwards past the negativity that could lay stagnant.
The fire burns inside me helping me awaking my passions for life to burn out the negative and relight the positive.
Mother nature is my positive, when life is my negative.
Positive overrides negative, empowering my soul.
I am worthy of my positive energy and in control of my path.
I feel calm and in a state of at one with myself.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Learn, Embrace & Share
Pagan life should be a path you choose to follow for yourself and for the right reasons. It should be where you feel safe, and where you feel a connection to be a free thinker and open to all ideas - try to become comfortable within your own thoughts and daily life - being at peace with oneself.
How can you expect people to warm to you if you are draining their natural positive energies you need to keep positive and use the natural energies around you to help you grow along your own spiritual path.
The natural energies you can use on a daily ritual are the four elements of mother nature: Earth, Air, Fire and Water. You can use these to bless things turn to the north, south, east and west and ask each element for its help to bless and work with you in what you decide to do - use symbols to help you coloured ribbons and objects on your alter or table in the right directions . You can use them all together or singular depending on what you think will help your energy that day. For example if you have a job interview earth is very good for prosperity and success so carry a small gemstone with you and wear a green ribbon around your wrist or in your hair ask earth for its natural energy to flow through you and help you along the way.
Earth helps ground you bring you literally back to the earth - earth is also where seeds grow and brings life to new ideas. Good for prosperity, stability, fertility, self will. Earth is north and tends to be of earth colours the greens and browns with rocks and gemstones closely worked with earth.
Air can circulate you and move you to another level explore air and what it can do to you the way it can change directions swiftly and smoothly air is what we breathe so air is important giver of life and helps maintain it. New ideas can quickly inspire you , knowledge freedom and travel within the air wind, clouds vibrations of the movements within your spiritual path. Red and yellows are often air with it being Eastwards with clouds, vibrations and incense being associated with air.
Fire can be hard to tame but the raw energy here is powerful and can enlighten you, freedom, change, vision and illuminates, healing and purification but can also be destructive so handle with care or fingers will get burnt - it sparks flame and passion within your soul. Red is the colour of fire with lightning, the sun and incense being used with fire work. Fire is south.
Water can be still and quiet a gentle stream it can be absorbing, with the lakes, ponds and streams to purify the subconscious mind, emotional waves can ripple and turn into communication with the spiritual path. Wells and spring water with blue being the colour used. Water is West.
Life's important energies are everything you see, and everything has an energy. It is up to you to draw these energies out not to drain them but to use them to help empower your pagan path. The natural energies are positive and good to help you survive, it is important to hold on to these energies for you to create a positive energy for yourself - hold them close to give you the sense of well being. A good balance within your life all four energies link together to work perfectly and work along side each other and other energies you may encounter of a spiritual kind.
As a pagan try and be yourself not a follower don't be afraid to stand alone and not be part of the social network. Be innovative a thinker a pursuer of wisdom and embrace your spiritual growth - don't be fearful be open learn about the Celtic histories they will help give you a sense of connection to learn for the future from the guideposts of ancient paths can help to improve you as a person. It helps knock down the barriers to be open to study and learn all the time - take the time to hear stories, myths, legends from all religions and spiritual paths to create a well balanced life and soul open to every one's beliefs and you will be surprised how many are interlinked with the pagan path - it will also open your soul to your spiritual growth and personality.
Learn, embrace and share.
How can you expect people to warm to you if you are draining their natural positive energies you need to keep positive and use the natural energies around you to help you grow along your own spiritual path.
The natural energies you can use on a daily ritual are the four elements of mother nature: Earth, Air, Fire and Water. You can use these to bless things turn to the north, south, east and west and ask each element for its help to bless and work with you in what you decide to do - use symbols to help you coloured ribbons and objects on your alter or table in the right directions . You can use them all together or singular depending on what you think will help your energy that day. For example if you have a job interview earth is very good for prosperity and success so carry a small gemstone with you and wear a green ribbon around your wrist or in your hair ask earth for its natural energy to flow through you and help you along the way.
Earth helps ground you bring you literally back to the earth - earth is also where seeds grow and brings life to new ideas. Good for prosperity, stability, fertility, self will. Earth is north and tends to be of earth colours the greens and browns with rocks and gemstones closely worked with earth.
Air can circulate you and move you to another level explore air and what it can do to you the way it can change directions swiftly and smoothly air is what we breathe so air is important giver of life and helps maintain it. New ideas can quickly inspire you , knowledge freedom and travel within the air wind, clouds vibrations of the movements within your spiritual path. Red and yellows are often air with it being Eastwards with clouds, vibrations and incense being associated with air.
Fire can be hard to tame but the raw energy here is powerful and can enlighten you, freedom, change, vision and illuminates, healing and purification but can also be destructive so handle with care or fingers will get burnt - it sparks flame and passion within your soul. Red is the colour of fire with lightning, the sun and incense being used with fire work. Fire is south.
Water can be still and quiet a gentle stream it can be absorbing, with the lakes, ponds and streams to purify the subconscious mind, emotional waves can ripple and turn into communication with the spiritual path. Wells and spring water with blue being the colour used. Water is West.
Life's important energies are everything you see, and everything has an energy. It is up to you to draw these energies out not to drain them but to use them to help empower your pagan path. The natural energies are positive and good to help you survive, it is important to hold on to these energies for you to create a positive energy for yourself - hold them close to give you the sense of well being. A good balance within your life all four energies link together to work perfectly and work along side each other and other energies you may encounter of a spiritual kind.
As a pagan try and be yourself not a follower don't be afraid to stand alone and not be part of the social network. Be innovative a thinker a pursuer of wisdom and embrace your spiritual growth - don't be fearful be open learn about the Celtic histories they will help give you a sense of connection to learn for the future from the guideposts of ancient paths can help to improve you as a person. It helps knock down the barriers to be open to study and learn all the time - take the time to hear stories, myths, legends from all religions and spiritual paths to create a well balanced life and soul open to every one's beliefs and you will be surprised how many are interlinked with the pagan path - it will also open your soul to your spiritual growth and personality.
Learn, embrace and share.
Rituals
Pagans have rituals that they do but so does everybody the way we collect the paper in the morning before breakfast, the way we have 1 and half spoons of sugar in our tea or the face cream we put on every morning and every night before bed these are all rituals of some sort.
Pagan rituals are no different they are things we do every day or every week depends on how you feel. I personally meditate everyday and try to get an area of calm within my well being and soul. Time out from my busy life for just me this is my ritual. I also have the crystals, oils and the alter and bless the energies around me. I may do this on a daily basis or a weekly basis as long as I do it I feel good around me a positive energy to allow me on my path.
Finding things hard to follow - write down a time everyday when you can have 10 minutes to yourself what ritual will you do?
Pagan rituals are no different they are things we do every day or every week depends on how you feel. I personally meditate everyday and try to get an area of calm within my well being and soul. Time out from my busy life for just me this is my ritual. I also have the crystals, oils and the alter and bless the energies around me. I may do this on a daily basis or a weekly basis as long as I do it I feel good around me a positive energy to allow me on my path.
Finding things hard to follow - write down a time everyday when you can have 10 minutes to yourself what ritual will you do?
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Pagan Path
My pagan path developed out of a kind of wanting to escape finding a path just for me. Things got really bad at home when mum left and I needed to get out and find myself - it would have been easy to have found the wrong path and at times I did go down the wrong path and they lead to dead ends full of darkness but I always managed to find the light and head on to the good path so even through some harsh times I managed to get where I am now and I am starting to feel alive for the first time. My senses are open, my spirit free and without the pagan path I would have struggled.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
My Mum
My mother was diagnosed with bi polar split personality schizophrenia when I was 15 years old and 15 years too late by the time we knew she had already left a streak of devastation in her path and left my father with three kids - we knew she had this from when I was born as she was in and out of hospital all the time and her personalty to match. When she was in a good mood she was the best person to have around but when she was in one of her moods she was awful you never knew where you stood from one day to the next and living with this was horrendous at times like broken egg shells. If only she had the right medication from the start would things have been so different?
I remember the summer holidays being particular harsh as they were so long. I remember waking up early before dad had gone to work and asking him what mood is she in? If he said she was in a good mood that meant she would get out of bed before eleven and we would stick around and play until her mood changed. If he said she was not in a good mood we would go out for the day as she would probably stay in bed until midday and be so bad to be around it was easier to go out to a friends house and oh my I was lucky to have a friend to escape to.
My sister took the brunt of it I suppose she was our mother really looking after us we both made sure our little brother was well looked after we hid a lot from him. We used to make the breakfast, the packed lunches the tea, clean the house do the ironing I remember being quite good at it from the age of 10 I think we had perfected pizza and noodles! So the house was always tidy our bedrooms spotless but it was never good enough. I shared a bedroom with my sister who wasn't tidy as me and we were playing in the room sorting stuff out and mum stormed in upstairs and demanded us to clear up so I started tidying up and she came back and trough a fit she shouted at us to get out and she pulled our clothing rail down, through our drawers out and upturned our beds and then shouted at us to now tidy it up - it took us ages to do it. The time when mum was cooking and oh god we were in trouble then as she couldn't really cook that well - so she would be by the pressure cooker cooking belly pork or liver or oxes heart something really appetising for us! My sister and I were on the stairs and she was going to lift me down but we fell down the stairs and I remember mum cooking in this pot like a witch over her cauldron and storming to the bottom of the stairs to have a go and I just remember sobbing over the meal she had burnt because we fell. Christmas was bad I hated them, birthdays were just as bad - but different kinds of bad. Christmas was always a waiting disaster waiting for things to get bad I hated them. I still got excited waiting for the special day but it was the meal I dreaded there was always an argument waiting to happen I remember being sent to bed on many a Christmas day without any Christmas lunch - all because I didn't eat the Brussels sprouts! I hate Brussels!! Birthdays were different because they were always over the top mum used to throw us parties to put on a show this happened for only about two years but they were so big loads of people and usually before anybody arrived there was an argument so we were upset to start with and then when everybody left another argument I dreaded them more than anything.
Lots more happened but it comes in waves I only seem to remember things at certain times, I just wish I didn't remember everything. It still niggles me I can feel it every so often rearing its ugly head and it makes me feel so down that it takes me a while to resurface again. The odd smell or saying or a picture can take me right back to a certain age and at an age I felt so bad, so lonely I still feel like that drowning in the memories gone by and it does take me a while to push through back to the surface and take a gulp of air of reality of now.
My mother hid behind things looking back it was her make up and hair when she put her face on we knew she was going to be OK for the day before she left my dad and us we used to do everything for her - her make up was kept in the kitchen in a white make up bag with her mirror by the kettle, the coffee was kept in the cupboard below the kettle and it needed eight scoops to go in the percolator - her cigarettes was kept in the third draw down on the breakfast bar. She never knew where these were as we used to get them for her, we even used to but the cigarettes from the shop too. She used to sit in the same chair by the phone in her white nightie and slippers smoking a cigarette with a coffee by her side. I loved my mum because she was my mum and I do miss her deeply but she was hard to live with but in a strange sense harder to live without.
She was controlling and hard to deal with - she was always arguing with us and my dad. My dad could do no right - we never did anything as a family never went for a meal together I can't remember a time when we did. We managed holidays but they weren't fun and relaxing we were living on a knife's edge waiting for the blade to turn. Even day trips out were difficult we would get to a place walk around mum would go in a fit and then demand to go home we never had a chance to do anything without it ending in an argument. Early holidays consisted of mum deciding to go home and up and leaving without telling us and we would get a phone call from the police to say she was in hospital as they found her wandering along the motorway. Or the time when she decided that she wanted to kill herself the amount of times she kept telling us this from an early age we almost feared walking in and finding her when we came home from school, that's when we went. We used to stay home and look after her most days. I was forgetting the times of mum in the hospital days and weeks away we would visit her but it was horrible difficult she would look so ill doped up on drugs not herself it was difficult to see her like that. I remember going to see her once and having a sherbet fountain I had chucked it in my mouth so quick it had caught on my slaver gland and foamed everywhere I looked like I had rabies!! I have to find some humour in there otherwise it just stirs up too many horrid memories.
I thought that when my mum died things would change and they have I do feel that that chapter has closed and a new one is being lived. The path changed direction and I am pleased it has I don't feel controlled anymore I feel that I am in control of the direction of my path. But it is still difficult to know which way to turn with out the guidance - but I have never had the guidance I was told at an early age that I was the wrong sex, I was the one who made mum remember bad things to make her feel the way she did, I was the one who was going nowhere, the one who was going to pregnant with two kids at the age of 16, the one who was a waste of space! But I wasn't I proved them wrong.
I remember the summer holidays being particular harsh as they were so long. I remember waking up early before dad had gone to work and asking him what mood is she in? If he said she was in a good mood that meant she would get out of bed before eleven and we would stick around and play until her mood changed. If he said she was not in a good mood we would go out for the day as she would probably stay in bed until midday and be so bad to be around it was easier to go out to a friends house and oh my I was lucky to have a friend to escape to.
My sister took the brunt of it I suppose she was our mother really looking after us we both made sure our little brother was well looked after we hid a lot from him. We used to make the breakfast, the packed lunches the tea, clean the house do the ironing I remember being quite good at it from the age of 10 I think we had perfected pizza and noodles! So the house was always tidy our bedrooms spotless but it was never good enough. I shared a bedroom with my sister who wasn't tidy as me and we were playing in the room sorting stuff out and mum stormed in upstairs and demanded us to clear up so I started tidying up and she came back and trough a fit she shouted at us to get out and she pulled our clothing rail down, through our drawers out and upturned our beds and then shouted at us to now tidy it up - it took us ages to do it. The time when mum was cooking and oh god we were in trouble then as she couldn't really cook that well - so she would be by the pressure cooker cooking belly pork or liver or oxes heart something really appetising for us! My sister and I were on the stairs and she was going to lift me down but we fell down the stairs and I remember mum cooking in this pot like a witch over her cauldron and storming to the bottom of the stairs to have a go and I just remember sobbing over the meal she had burnt because we fell. Christmas was bad I hated them, birthdays were just as bad - but different kinds of bad. Christmas was always a waiting disaster waiting for things to get bad I hated them. I still got excited waiting for the special day but it was the meal I dreaded there was always an argument waiting to happen I remember being sent to bed on many a Christmas day without any Christmas lunch - all because I didn't eat the Brussels sprouts! I hate Brussels!! Birthdays were different because they were always over the top mum used to throw us parties to put on a show this happened for only about two years but they were so big loads of people and usually before anybody arrived there was an argument so we were upset to start with and then when everybody left another argument I dreaded them more than anything.
Lots more happened but it comes in waves I only seem to remember things at certain times, I just wish I didn't remember everything. It still niggles me I can feel it every so often rearing its ugly head and it makes me feel so down that it takes me a while to resurface again. The odd smell or saying or a picture can take me right back to a certain age and at an age I felt so bad, so lonely I still feel like that drowning in the memories gone by and it does take me a while to push through back to the surface and take a gulp of air of reality of now.
My mother hid behind things looking back it was her make up and hair when she put her face on we knew she was going to be OK for the day before she left my dad and us we used to do everything for her - her make up was kept in the kitchen in a white make up bag with her mirror by the kettle, the coffee was kept in the cupboard below the kettle and it needed eight scoops to go in the percolator - her cigarettes was kept in the third draw down on the breakfast bar. She never knew where these were as we used to get them for her, we even used to but the cigarettes from the shop too. She used to sit in the same chair by the phone in her white nightie and slippers smoking a cigarette with a coffee by her side. I loved my mum because she was my mum and I do miss her deeply but she was hard to live with but in a strange sense harder to live without.
She was controlling and hard to deal with - she was always arguing with us and my dad. My dad could do no right - we never did anything as a family never went for a meal together I can't remember a time when we did. We managed holidays but they weren't fun and relaxing we were living on a knife's edge waiting for the blade to turn. Even day trips out were difficult we would get to a place walk around mum would go in a fit and then demand to go home we never had a chance to do anything without it ending in an argument. Early holidays consisted of mum deciding to go home and up and leaving without telling us and we would get a phone call from the police to say she was in hospital as they found her wandering along the motorway. Or the time when she decided that she wanted to kill herself the amount of times she kept telling us this from an early age we almost feared walking in and finding her when we came home from school, that's when we went. We used to stay home and look after her most days. I was forgetting the times of mum in the hospital days and weeks away we would visit her but it was horrible difficult she would look so ill doped up on drugs not herself it was difficult to see her like that. I remember going to see her once and having a sherbet fountain I had chucked it in my mouth so quick it had caught on my slaver gland and foamed everywhere I looked like I had rabies!! I have to find some humour in there otherwise it just stirs up too many horrid memories.
I thought that when my mum died things would change and they have I do feel that that chapter has closed and a new one is being lived. The path changed direction and I am pleased it has I don't feel controlled anymore I feel that I am in control of the direction of my path. But it is still difficult to know which way to turn with out the guidance - but I have never had the guidance I was told at an early age that I was the wrong sex, I was the one who made mum remember bad things to make her feel the way she did, I was the one who was going nowhere, the one who was going to pregnant with two kids at the age of 16, the one who was a waste of space! But I wasn't I proved them wrong.
Life's journey starts
Life is a journey that is not particularly easy. It is certainly a very rocky, uneven road to follow. Especially without a map to guide us we can get lost, and with plenty of corners, routes diversions, traffic lights to hold us back with a sprinkle of road rage to keep us on our toes. It may become what you call confusing, that is to say the least!!
Your first milestone however should be this great beautiful thing that mother nature had intended your BIRTH. But unfortunately it is not! We are pulled, squeezed, pushed and forced out of the warmth, security you've known for nine months into this harsh cold reality called the BIG WIDE WORLD. Your screaming your head off, kicking your arms and legs, covered in only knows what, and to top it all you are in front of an audience of strange people watching you stark naked. We are turned upside down ad slapped on the bum - screaming out me back!! This embarrassment is just the beginning and is called LIFE!! How much can one take in their first few minutes. Well get used to it, it doesn't get any better. You start off as a bundle of innocence and ends up a complicated mess. That's just your childhood.
So I will explain myself and my life - my journey....
Your first milestone however should be this great beautiful thing that mother nature had intended your BIRTH. But unfortunately it is not! We are pulled, squeezed, pushed and forced out of the warmth, security you've known for nine months into this harsh cold reality called the BIG WIDE WORLD. Your screaming your head off, kicking your arms and legs, covered in only knows what, and to top it all you are in front of an audience of strange people watching you stark naked. We are turned upside down ad slapped on the bum - screaming out me back!! This embarrassment is just the beginning and is called LIFE!! How much can one take in their first few minutes. Well get used to it, it doesn't get any better. You start off as a bundle of innocence and ends up a complicated mess. That's just your childhood.
So I will explain myself and my life - my journey....
Family Life
I was born to a couple who to be honest should never have had children and I do believe that some people just are not meant to be parents and mine were a few of those people who shouldn't have. I didn't have a horrid childhood or a devastatingly bad one but it niggles me - it niggles me and it makes me feel horrid and devastatingly bad and why is this?
A question that I ask myself over and over again what did I do that was so wrong?
I suppose the first thing I did was to be a girl - I know I can't really help that one! But I always had this feeling of guilt, guilty of not making people happy and I still feel like this, I feel I have to please people and it stems from my early years for sure.
My great grandmother was disappointed I was not a boy and didn't want to see me and when my younger brother was born my mother was ordered to send us up to see her. My mother refused as they never made a fuss when I was born so I missed out on ever meeting her she died at the grand age of ninety-nine and I never did meet the lady. My grandmother was the same she was disappointed but she saw me and in later years she was my saving grace so I hold a lot of respect for her in the end, even if for the first three years of my life she bought me everything blue!
I was born into a family very estranged my mother had an episode when I was born so me and her ended up in hospital for a lot longer than expected she was a manic depressive and suffered post natal depression quite severely when I was born - it was my fault I got told this a lot growing up so it made me feel guilty again as if I had done something wrong - but I think just being born was wrong enough.
The years went on and my parents had a boy so there were three of us to survive in the house hold. My father worked hard and my mother didn't she was too ill to work. Her first episode of post natal depression lasted a few years and then my brother was born so it started again. The problem was back then it was not really recognised as much as it is now and the support was a lot different she was in and out of hospital quite a lot whilst we were growing up. All three of us children experienced the grief of her in different forms.
The whole family was very distant my mothers side was not really around she had not spoken to her father for a fair few years and her mother was a very bitter women who put the fear of god into her. She had brothers and sisters but they were scattered all over as she came from a military home. My fathers family well there was only him really he had no siblings and his mum and dad was local so we had a fair bit to do with them, but they had their issues my nan worked while my grandad stayed at home but when I was born they both stayed at home as my grandad had a stroke and he needed help.
A question that I ask myself over and over again what did I do that was so wrong?
I suppose the first thing I did was to be a girl - I know I can't really help that one! But I always had this feeling of guilt, guilty of not making people happy and I still feel like this, I feel I have to please people and it stems from my early years for sure.
My great grandmother was disappointed I was not a boy and didn't want to see me and when my younger brother was born my mother was ordered to send us up to see her. My mother refused as they never made a fuss when I was born so I missed out on ever meeting her she died at the grand age of ninety-nine and I never did meet the lady. My grandmother was the same she was disappointed but she saw me and in later years she was my saving grace so I hold a lot of respect for her in the end, even if for the first three years of my life she bought me everything blue!
I was born into a family very estranged my mother had an episode when I was born so me and her ended up in hospital for a lot longer than expected she was a manic depressive and suffered post natal depression quite severely when I was born - it was my fault I got told this a lot growing up so it made me feel guilty again as if I had done something wrong - but I think just being born was wrong enough.
The years went on and my parents had a boy so there were three of us to survive in the house hold. My father worked hard and my mother didn't she was too ill to work. Her first episode of post natal depression lasted a few years and then my brother was born so it started again. The problem was back then it was not really recognised as much as it is now and the support was a lot different she was in and out of hospital quite a lot whilst we were growing up. All three of us children experienced the grief of her in different forms.
The whole family was very distant my mothers side was not really around she had not spoken to her father for a fair few years and her mother was a very bitter women who put the fear of god into her. She had brothers and sisters but they were scattered all over as she came from a military home. My fathers family well there was only him really he had no siblings and his mum and dad was local so we had a fair bit to do with them, but they had their issues my nan worked while my grandad stayed at home but when I was born they both stayed at home as my grandad had a stroke and he needed help.
Life's Long Journey
Life's Long Journey,
is not particularly easy.
Certainly rocky and uneven,
sometimes dark and lonely.
It is a strenuous journey,
one that is hard for us all.
A complicated road to follow,
even for the experienced traveller.
Without a map to guide,
or a torch to illuminate.
The path we take,
is sometimes lost.
Plenty of corners and long routes,
diversions and traffic lights.
Maybe the odd road works or two,
an extra sprinkle of road rage.
And lets have a few penalties,
just enough to keep us on our toes.
Milestones to achieve,
long and hard.
This path of life,
a discovery of dreams.
It may become confusing,
Life's long journey.
is not particularly easy.
Certainly rocky and uneven,
sometimes dark and lonely.
It is a strenuous journey,
one that is hard for us all.
A complicated road to follow,
even for the experienced traveller.
Without a map to guide,
or a torch to illuminate.
The path we take,
is sometimes lost.
Plenty of corners and long routes,
diversions and traffic lights.
Maybe the odd road works or two,
an extra sprinkle of road rage.
And lets have a few penalties,
just enough to keep us on our toes.
Milestones to achieve,
long and hard.
This path of life,
a discovery of dreams.
It may become confusing,
Life's long journey.
Memories Adapting Your Path
Your path shifts shape and moves you in different places this takes shape from your memories and life experiences - learn how to develop your memories into a clear focus point. There are two ways to do this:
One if the memories are good you can choose a time to return to at a place where you felt happy and contented in a safe place for you to visit to help you move on to the next step of the journey. This good memory will be seen from the outside looking in so you are visiting as memories and places we have been to before happened at a different time of our lives and things do change for reasons to move us forward we can not look back all the time we need to see where we are going - but often memories can pop up at times when we need help to move us forward. So when you are looking back at a fond memory try and remember how it made you feel - how can you feel like that again can you learn from the good memory to move you on? The tell yourself I felt good then I will feel good again focus on that and move with it.
The second memory is at place to escape from if they are bad memories learn from them in a way that they help move you forward to a better place. Memories can choke you and pull you down so try and reverse them to lift you higher to a better place one from where you can look down and see them clearly but at a distance so you are safe visit them and see what happened and how you can move on from them. Ask yourself why it happened? Was it my fault? Can i change it now? Can i learn from it? and then tell yourself: What happened happened. It was not my fault. I can change it now by learning from it. Then do that learn from it things that happened usually did for a reason beyond our control other forces moving against us but we can take the control back and choose the path suited to our needs.
Life is a learning - so learn from it - move closer to the inner you - a place or space where you are happy and can be happy. Try it focus on the good and learn from the bad...
One if the memories are good you can choose a time to return to at a place where you felt happy and contented in a safe place for you to visit to help you move on to the next step of the journey. This good memory will be seen from the outside looking in so you are visiting as memories and places we have been to before happened at a different time of our lives and things do change for reasons to move us forward we can not look back all the time we need to see where we are going - but often memories can pop up at times when we need help to move us forward. So when you are looking back at a fond memory try and remember how it made you feel - how can you feel like that again can you learn from the good memory to move you on? The tell yourself I felt good then I will feel good again focus on that and move with it.
The second memory is at place to escape from if they are bad memories learn from them in a way that they help move you forward to a better place. Memories can choke you and pull you down so try and reverse them to lift you higher to a better place one from where you can look down and see them clearly but at a distance so you are safe visit them and see what happened and how you can move on from them. Ask yourself why it happened? Was it my fault? Can i change it now? Can i learn from it? and then tell yourself: What happened happened. It was not my fault. I can change it now by learning from it. Then do that learn from it things that happened usually did for a reason beyond our control other forces moving against us but we can take the control back and choose the path suited to our needs.
Life is a learning - so learn from it - move closer to the inner you - a place or space where you are happy and can be happy. Try it focus on the good and learn from the bad...
Five Good & Five Bad Memories
If someone says to you tell me five things you can recall from your childhood that you favour as good memories many would reel off three, four and if you are really lucky the whole five. However if the question is reversed and you have to mention five bad memories you may struggle to mention five things me however can reel off at least ten without a breath. Why is that? I have started to question a lot of things in my life; it could be just a stage that I am going through? But I ask again why that is? What did I do as a child that caused me to have bad memories why wasn't I the lucky child with parents that gave me a life to start off with a pleasant one?
Try listing the five good and the five bad?
Are you a lucky one with blessed parents or have your parents got a lot to answer for? As a parent myself I worry that my children will be looking back years later asking the same questions but I hope I have learnt a thing or two and my children will reel off more good memories than bad!! Only time will tell I am sure.
Memories are strange things you sometimes think that they are gone, lost forgotten pushed away but then one day out of nowhere like a stormy raincloud it appears takes you by surprise and soaks you to the core. That sort of memory takes you by surprise shakes you like that clap of thunder that follows the rain and even after the initial shock has gone you are still left with that clammy air wrapping around you.
My first memory is actually a good one. I am three dressed in white pyjamas with little red and blue flowers in that soft brushed flannel cotton with lace around the trim. The only thing I can see is darkness not actually a colour but sort of whirl of colours mixed together creating the darkness. I very quickly search for a box a huge box and inside is a bright yellow light – the big yellow tea pot made by bluebird. It was Christmas and all I remember is this feeling excitement of this gift mixed with the feeling of being alone. My mother had gone into hospital to have a baby my little brother. The next day I remember going to visit my brother in the hospital and seeing this large room with a bed and my mum sat in it with her red dressing gown smiling a tired look in her eyes. My mum has the darkest curliest hair I have ever seen black and wiry against her pale soft skin. She smiles at me and tells me to have a look – I remember peering over the clear plastic crib and seeing this tiny bundle of a baby. He is tiny just like a doll my baby brother.
For every good memory I can think of the bad to follow I remember my baby brother and the smell as if it was yesterday and it wasn't it was over 24 years ago - I still love my baby brother like the first time I saw him. He was Innocent had not done anything he was brand new - so why do I feel a sense that I have let him down somehow. As a big sister I am there for him no matter what but I feel that he had lost parts of his childhood and now as an adult struggles to accept life.
So back to my first question have your parents got a lot to answer for?
Yes I believe so - as soon as you arrive into this world your fate, and path are already mapped out by your parents - it is up to you as an individual to try and follow the path you think is right and that is not easy when you have your parents to look up too, to instruct you to show you the way how do they know the right answers and the right path!
Can you break the path and go your own way or do you follow?
Try listing the five good and the five bad?
Are you a lucky one with blessed parents or have your parents got a lot to answer for? As a parent myself I worry that my children will be looking back years later asking the same questions but I hope I have learnt a thing or two and my children will reel off more good memories than bad!! Only time will tell I am sure.
Memories are strange things you sometimes think that they are gone, lost forgotten pushed away but then one day out of nowhere like a stormy raincloud it appears takes you by surprise and soaks you to the core. That sort of memory takes you by surprise shakes you like that clap of thunder that follows the rain and even after the initial shock has gone you are still left with that clammy air wrapping around you.
My first memory is actually a good one. I am three dressed in white pyjamas with little red and blue flowers in that soft brushed flannel cotton with lace around the trim. The only thing I can see is darkness not actually a colour but sort of whirl of colours mixed together creating the darkness. I very quickly search for a box a huge box and inside is a bright yellow light – the big yellow tea pot made by bluebird. It was Christmas and all I remember is this feeling excitement of this gift mixed with the feeling of being alone. My mother had gone into hospital to have a baby my little brother. The next day I remember going to visit my brother in the hospital and seeing this large room with a bed and my mum sat in it with her red dressing gown smiling a tired look in her eyes. My mum has the darkest curliest hair I have ever seen black and wiry against her pale soft skin. She smiles at me and tells me to have a look – I remember peering over the clear plastic crib and seeing this tiny bundle of a baby. He is tiny just like a doll my baby brother.
For every good memory I can think of the bad to follow I remember my baby brother and the smell as if it was yesterday and it wasn't it was over 24 years ago - I still love my baby brother like the first time I saw him. He was Innocent had not done anything he was brand new - so why do I feel a sense that I have let him down somehow. As a big sister I am there for him no matter what but I feel that he had lost parts of his childhood and now as an adult struggles to accept life.
So back to my first question have your parents got a lot to answer for?
Yes I believe so - as soon as you arrive into this world your fate, and path are already mapped out by your parents - it is up to you as an individual to try and follow the path you think is right and that is not easy when you have your parents to look up too, to instruct you to show you the way how do they know the right answers and the right path!
Can you break the path and go your own way or do you follow?
Journey & Self Help
This is a journey for me to let people know the paths I have taken and gone down and why I am who I am this is a sort of therapy for me and if I can help others along the way then this gives me a sense of my life is for something not just a path I have been given to follow I need to know that I can do good!
Pagan Path
This is my first blog - and one I hope people will find interesting to read I am known as Pagan Ruby to keep my identity hidden as my blog will be an honest one and one from the heart for everybody to read and discuss and not revealing my name will keep me secure as you read my blog you will understand. I will start off telling you my personal pagan path right from my first memories until now and everyday and how I have adapted books and readings to my own pagan path which I hope will help others on this journey through life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
