This is a hard one and especially not easy to do it takes time to focus and re adjust yourself to create the energies to embrace you to help you move forward.
I have a sister who has changed dramatically - she used to be the one I looked up to for guidance when mum was going through an episode but now I am struggling to even call her my sister - I know this is not a very pagan thing and I must not judge - but I feel through life we have paths mapped out for us but it is up to us to actually decide to take them, we can break cycles we don't have to be caught up in the same path as everyone else.
It all started with my mum really she was difficult to live with and this obviously affected us all - three of us in fact. My sister, me and my brother. My brother has blocked a lot out and thinks mum used to go to pottery classes rather than the secure unit - as every time she came back she had some sort of art work early experiments with art therapy.
I have my own issues and for years perceived love as a physical thing rather than emotional and my emotions left open - suffered with self harming and also a manic depressive when I go low I get really low and then when I am happy I am contented. I must admit my pagan path is helping me to overcome this and I have felt the best I ever have with in the last year things have clicked in place, I also suffer panic attacks and low self esteem and think that I am being judged for being who I am. I have now developed the positive energies to work for me and feel that I am no longer being drained from them and can work them for my own spiritual path.
My brother is quite a solitary person who would quite happily live in one room and not go out unless he needed something not very socialised and suffers depression but doesn't really recognised the signs.
My sister hit rock bottom when my mum left us when I was 15 years old so my sister was three years older and quickly left home so she could escape I suppose. She was going to be a nurse and join the nurses 2000 program and go to uni she worked hard in her a levels and did quite well - but she chose the wrong path and that was that. She dabbled with drugs like most teenagers but her dabbling soon started to overcome her and she couldn't escape from it. She ended up on heroin and with the drugs pumping through her to null the pain she felt the buzz gave her a sense of being alive, being in control of her life she could empower her highs and lows and change them. However this became an addiction wanting the next buzz to then try and block everything out by being high all the time. She never made it on to the uni course got pregnant and ended up in a right mess - tried cold turkey but couldn't cope with how she felt as a person. She had another child and battled addiction soon after she moved in with me and spent most of my money, my relationship at the time ended due to it as I didn't want to be stuck and trapped she opened up my eyes to move away from it to take control of my own path. I was their for her emotionally and listened and tried to understand and help. Her boyfriend at the time tried to commit suicide in our bathroom and the reality of her being in my life was difficult to deal with scared she would overdose or hurt her children. I was living in fear and shock of what she was becoming rapidly changing I just wanted that controlled figure the person I looked up to be there for me rather than looking after her like the way I looked after my mum it was happening all over again I couldn't deal with it but did for my sisters children sake. She soon after left her two children and lived rough on the streets stealing to fuel her addiction. Her children were taken into care my mum did look after them for a bit but that bought back my mums own destruction with metal illness. The circle became full circle with her and she couldn't deal with it either. My sister was in an abusive relationship and managed to get to a hostel safe and off the drugs but not long after she became mixed up with another fella and the drugs returned. She got kicked out of the shelter for bringing drugs into it.
She always used to say she hated our mum and the childhood she had so why not break the cycle and be the best you can not let the drugs and depression overcome you??
My sister had another child so three in total and each of those poor children have their own issues with attention deficit disorder and learning difficulties due to the drugs she was on while she was pregnant - I mean OK she wants to self destruct but why drag everybody else into it too? The fella she is with now is always in and out of nick, dealing drugs, stealing and abusive. We gave her so many chances and opportunities to come out of the life she is in - we have been so supportive helped when needed rallied round, been by her side when she was black and blue through violence. But she chose to go back every time and now she says she doesn't feel apart of the family anymore and that she has no-one. My father I am surprised hasn't had a heart attack of the pressure he has had to deal with with her and my mum I am surprised he is still in control of things.
We tried our best to help what more can we do? Sometimes things are out of control if she is not willing to help herself then there is nothing we can do, apart from pick up the pieces each time. She has drained us so much over the years financially and more upset tingly emotionally.
She is not my sister she died years ago this is just a ghost that haunts me, a former image of a person I loved and I am mourning her everyday.
The energies around me lift me to a state of karma - what goes around comes around - you are what you are - you reap what you sow.
The path I choose was a way out to move me to state of positive energy to lift me higher above everything so I can then see clearly what is beneath me all mapped out for what it is - put things into perspective to organise myself to deal with the negative by removing myself from the equation and developing a coping mechanism to deal with it.
The earth grounds me to my roots and helps me learn from the mistakes of my family the circle that engulfs us all the circle that can be hard to break.
The air helps me float above myself and see things for what they are without my heart clouding my judgement lifting me to a higher level to evaluate and float back down when done cleansing.
The water calms me in a stream of flowing energy moving me onwards past the negativity that could lay stagnant.
The fire burns inside me helping me awaking my passions for life to burn out the negative and relight the positive.
Mother nature is my positive, when life is my negative.
Positive overrides negative, empowering my soul.
I am worthy of my positive energy and in control of my path.
I feel calm and in a state of at one with myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment