Family Life

I was born to a couple who to be honest should never have had children and I do believe that some people just are not meant to be parents and mine were a few of those people who shouldn't have. I didn't have a horrid childhood or a devastatingly bad one but it niggles me - it niggles me and it makes me feel horrid and devastatingly bad and why is this?

A question that I ask myself over and over again what did I do that was so wrong?

I suppose the first thing I did was to be a girl - I know I can't really help that one! But I always had this feeling of guilt, guilty of not making people happy and I still feel like this, I feel I have to please people and it stems from my early years for sure.

My great grandmother was disappointed I was not a boy and didn't want to see me and when my younger brother was born my mother was ordered to send us up to see her. My mother refused as they never made a fuss when I was born so I missed out on ever meeting her she died at the grand age of ninety-nine and I never did meet the lady. My grandmother was the same she was disappointed but she saw me and in later years she was my saving grace so I hold a lot of respect for her in the end, even if for the first three years of my life she bought me everything blue!

I was born into a family very estranged my mother had an episode when I was born so me and her ended up in hospital for a lot longer than expected she was a manic depressive and suffered post natal depression quite severely when I was born - it was my fault I got told this a lot growing up so it made me feel guilty again as if I had done something wrong - but I think just being born was wrong enough.

The years went on and my parents had a boy so there were three of us to survive in the house hold. My father worked hard and my mother didn't she was too ill to work. Her first episode of post natal depression lasted a few years and then my brother was born so it started again. The problem was back then it was not really recognised as much as it is now and the support was a lot different she was in and out of hospital quite a lot whilst we were growing up. All three of us children experienced the grief of her in different forms.

The whole family was very distant my mothers side was not really around she had not spoken to her father for a fair few years and her mother was a very bitter women who put the fear of god into her. She had brothers and sisters but they were scattered all over as she came from a military home. My fathers family well there was only him really he had no siblings and his mum and dad was local so we had a fair bit to do with them, but they had their issues my nan worked while my grandad stayed at home but when I was born they both stayed at home as my grandad had a stroke and he needed help.